I can feel it.
There are these two competing forces having an all out battle within me. I feel it every minute of every day depending on where I'm at, who I'm with, and what I see.
That sounds slightly like split personalities I realze..but it's not like that.
I have two parts of me that yearns from something completely different for my life.
We have Side One--let's call it Glitz & Glamour and then we have Side Two--Simplicity. Ok..that makes side 2 sound bad..but really I keep thinking of the song Chicken Fried when I think of that side of me. or really any country song that talks about this simple kind of life. and I don't even really like country.
The Glitz and Glamour side of me wants it all! I want to get that glamorous job in the fashion industry, go to fun socialite parties and meet interesting people, living life in the fast lane (ahem Eagles), and basically just having an adventurous life. I yearn for this life whenever I'm bored..especially when I'm at work picking up clothes from oh so bratty teenagers or being talked to like a moron by some mom who is in denial that she can't really fit into the clothes she is wearing. I get like this whenever I watch Project Runway, other shows with people who are undeserving of the cool job they have, etc. or when I'm reading magazines or seeing places on tv that I want to go to. I yearn for this life alot lately. In my mind I fit my boyfriend in it..and maybe a family somewhere along the line. But it means I'm out of here and on to the big city!
The Simplicity side in me sees the beauty in everything. I worship being out in nature, spending time with the ones I love, and all the small things that often go unnoticed. This side of me just wants to settle down with a job that makes me happy but isn't necessarily glamorous or what I always wanted. It wants to just have a simple life and be happy and starting a family with Will. I yearn for this when I'm missing a holiday that I could be spending with my family because I'm at work or when I'm driving to work and I see a beautiful little boy blowing bubbles and his dad is taking pictures on the sidewalk. Those things could just make me cry.
I have not yet been able to reconcile these two sides to me..which is probably why I am not moving forward with any plans. New York? New job? New attitude? I'm at a stand still. Indecision massacre. A stick stuck in the mud. Like when I played Stuck in the Mud in gym class as a child. You would wait and wait and wait for another kid to come craw under your legs so you could have your go at running around again and dodging balls being thrown out you and saving your friends from being stuck in the mud. If only that's all it took to get myself out of this.
I may go crazy before this war ends.
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ReplyDeleteMaybe each side will have a "season" in your life? I can see both being very possible for you and, from my view, it could just be a question of where to start.
ReplyDeleteI get tripped up on the same thing. I always think, "Where should I begin?" but I also forget that it's not unheard of for people to change their minds. Personally, I wish I could know the right decision to make for myself all the time, but it hardly ever works out like that, haha.
I'm very much the kid who dips her toe into the pool and just can't seem to decide whether to jump in or to resign while reasoning, "Well, I've never really liked swimming anyway." I find that I waste entirely too much time on indecision. I hope that we'll both be able to remind ourselves of the old addage, "Nothing is final, but death and taxes!" haha.
Don't worry, Jamie. You will get out of the mud. :)
I've struggled with the same off and on in my life. I've want to live in the country and I want to live in Manhattan! lol Maybe it's just part of us as we get older and the world opens to us. So many options can be overwhelming! It'll work itself out and in the meantime you can explore both sides. (We love that song Chicken Fried! Have you listened to Darius Rucker's song Alright?)
ReplyDeletePS, love the pic with this post!
ReplyDeleteOh wow. You totally summed up my twenties for me. Seriously. I was exactly the same and some years I found myself in the fast lane living the high life and other years I was living in the mountains with my down to earth boyfriend just soaking it all in. It was nice to do both off and on and then it was nice to combine the two in my thirties. I get what you're feelin'!
ReplyDeletehow do you combine it??
ReplyDelete