there is a war a brewin' in my soul

I can feel it.

There are these two competing forces having an all out battle within me. I feel it every minute of every day depending on where I'm at, who I'm with, and what I see.

That sounds slightly like split personalities I realze..but it's not like that.

I have two parts of me that yearns from something completely different for my life.

We have Side One--let's call it Glitz & Glamour and then we have Side Two--Simplicity. Ok..that makes side 2 sound bad..but really I keep thinking of the song Chicken Fried when I think of that side of me. or really any country song that talks about this simple kind of life. and I don't even really like country.

The Glitz and Glamour side of me wants it all! I want to get that glamorous job in the fashion industry, go to fun socialite parties and meet interesting people, living life in the fast lane (ahem Eagles), and basically just having an adventurous life. I yearn for this life whenever I'm bored..especially when I'm at work picking up clothes from oh so bratty teenagers or being talked to like a moron by some mom who is in denial that she can't really fit into the clothes she is wearing. I get like this whenever I watch Project Runway, other shows with people who are undeserving of the cool job they have, etc. or when I'm reading magazines or seeing places on tv that I want to go to. I yearn for this life alot lately. In my mind I fit my boyfriend in it..and maybe a family somewhere along the line. But it means I'm out of here and on to the big city!

The Simplicity side in me sees the beauty in everything. I worship being out in nature, spending time with the ones I love, and all the small things that often go unnoticed. This side of me just wants to settle down with a job that makes me happy but isn't necessarily glamorous or what I always wanted. It wants to just have a simple life and be happy and starting a family with Will. I yearn for this when I'm missing a holiday that I could be spending with my family because I'm at work or when I'm driving to work and I see a beautiful little boy blowing bubbles and his dad is taking pictures on the sidewalk. Those things could just make me cry.

I have not yet been able to reconcile these two sides to me..which is probably why I am not moving forward with any plans. New York? New job? New attitude? I'm at a stand still. Indecision massacre. A stick stuck in the mud. Like when I played Stuck in the Mud in gym class as a child. You would wait and wait and wait for another kid to come craw under your legs so you could have your go at running around again and dodging balls being thrown out you and saving your friends from being stuck in the mud. If only that's all it took to get myself out of this.

I may go crazy before this war ends.

July 2nd..

Today is the anniversary of the death of my mother. I can't say it gets easier. It's just a weird feeling. It' weird because I always think of it as such a huge day and that I will be in mourning all day. But the truth is..it feels like a pretty normal day..and I haven't cried yet..which I know I will at some point. I keep trying to look at it more like a celebration of her life. So I'll drink some wine, listen to Jimmy Buffett, and eat some Mike & Ike's because are all things my mom would do.

I'll remember that I have great friends and a wonderful boyfriend....I mean..a best friend who would have already written a card before she went on her honeymoon and have it be sent to me so that she could still be "with" me in a sense!

And I'll be happy that I reconnected with my old best friend from middle school/high school that I haven't talked to in YEARS.

and in general..I'll remember that the relationships in my life are of utmost importance and try never to take them for granted.

My best friend is a married woman!!

The wedding went wonderfully. My best friend was just the most beautiful brides ever. The ceremony went soo smoothly and the reception was a blast.

Some highlights:












I definitely have wedding fever right now. I can't help it. All my friends are married or engaged right now. I know that I can't be right now..but it doesn't mean I don't want to be. I know that I love Will and that I want to marry him..but I don't think right now is the right time for us. He needs to finish school. I need to be more responsible with money and realize that rent is probably more important than a cute new dress. I also love that right now we are just enjoying being with each other and still getting to know each other even after 2 1/2 years. I'd just like us to keep doing that for a little while longer.

I'm surrounded by idiots..

Here's an example of the fine specimen that come into my place of work:

And this is exactly how it went down..no exaggeration.

Me(in the fitting room): Hi, how many do you have?
Crazy lady: I don't even know.
Me: Ok, that's fine. I'll be happy to count them for you.
(I count them and start to take her to a room)
Crazy lady: I want the big dressing room.
Me: I am not able to as we generally reserve that room for handicapped/moms with strollers.
Crazy lady: (freaks out) I ALWAYS have the big dressing room...you can go ask your manager. They know me..I always get it. I'm claustrophobic..do you know what that is?>
Me: Ok..that's fine..(I start to put her clothes in the big dressing room)..
Crazy Lady (still yelling at me): You can't force me to go into a little room. I refuse to go in there.
Me (really pissed at this point): I'm NOT forcing you to do anything and I put your stuff in the room. (I walk away while she keeps bitching).

Needless to say..she went and complained to my manager. My manager wasn't even pissed at all because a) she knows that I am a great employee that is not easily angered and is never rude to customers and b) she says this woman comes in from time to time bitching about something.


I mean really..was it necessary to get your panties in a bunch? A freak-out was not warranted. I am a reasonable human being. Just explain to me that you are claustrophobic. I am intelligent..I know what that means. An explanation would have sufficed and I would have understood. Flipping out as soon as I say no was just not right.

Crazy woman.

Maybe I should start a blog about retail hell..just like I did when I used to do customer service. I had some great stories then.

The operation failed within 5 minutes of it's "birth"..

Now I'm wondering if happiness is at all attainable for me..or maybe i'm just always going to be miserable because I can't do all the things I want to do.

I was flipping out about something last night and the boy stopped me and said "Where is this coming from..this isn't you..there is just so much hatred in your voice right now and it's not you."

I don't know where it's coming from.

Got to find a happy place.

I swear I used to never be this miserable.

OPERATION LIVE LIFE AND NOT JUST EXIST.

aka. stop being such a damn Debbie Downer/Negative Nancy/Bitching Betty, etc. etc. and start living!!

I need motivation.
Real quick.

I seriously have procrastinated the same things for months.
For example, I started the process of getting health insurance in February.
I just got all the stuff in about 2 weeks ago after the lady kept getting on me about it.
I've been saying I'm going to clean my room for ages.
I have a huge list of things I want to do in my life but there it all stays..on a list.
Where is my motivation? Where is my passion for living life these days?
I'm ambitious but lately I think I've been giving up on "living" because I'm too overwhelmed with emotions and too bored with my life. I am living under my all too familiar blanket of discontentment and I'm not even trying to get out.

I hate giving up.