This day probably ranks up there as one of the worst days for me out of the entire year..aside from the day that my mother died. I can't say I'm looking forward to it..but this Mother's Day I'm vowing not to be depressed but letting it be a day to remember her. I'm thinking I want to spend it alone and I'm currently making a plan for a special day for myself to remember her.
For those of you who don't know..my mother passed away from brain cancer almost 3 years ago in July. It was one of the most excruciating things I have ever gone through..to see my mother..the strong & independent woman who raised my sister and I as a single working mother..essentially just wilt before my eyes. No child should ever have to see their mother basically revert back to a child herself or have to help their mom go to the bathroom or feed her. It was really quite traumatic. I would do it again because I love her (despite our rocky relationship)but it hurts my heart thinking about those times when she was sick
It's been a tough road. I've hit all sorts of highs and lows. I can say that losing a loved one is probably one of those things you will never get over and it will stick with you the rest of your life.
It's just all so weird. It hits me in the strangest times. For example..during my first month of work at Forever 21..I see a man come in with his wife who is in a wheel chair. I am certain she had something similar to my mother because it reminded me of her. I see him trying to pick out bras for her..and my heart just breaks. (Random insert..I have the most AMAZING stepdad in the world..he cared for my mother better than any movie could ever portray) My heart broke because it just reminded me all too much of my situation. So..I go over to him and ask him if I can help him with anything. He asks some questions about the bras and how she could wear it as a strapless. I help him. I walk away and I start bawling. I can't even speak. Thank god I have a caring manager who just listened and told me to go to the break room.
Other times it's just these random moments where I miss her or think of her in a subtle way. I might meet someone who reminds me of her or think of a fond memory. I often wonder how I'm going to handle getting married or having a baby without my mom being there. I wonder if she would have liked my boyfriend whom I know I will marry (he sadly never got to meet her..we met months after her death). It's just so sad to think that she never will be there for any of those important events in my life. I was especially distraught when I graduated and she wasn't there..she was the motivator in my life for school whether I wanted it or not.
Sometimes I forget she is really gone. Even though reality has clearly set in..I think that it really didn't happen. It couldn't have. It's just so wierd to think that she's gone..dead. Its not really something I think i can comprehend.
Other times I get upset because I feel like I forget her. I feel horrible because I might not think about her one day..and I'll think there is something wrong with me. Why am I not sad anymore? Why don't I think about her? I know it's normal..but it feels wrong..and then it scares me because I'm afraid I'm going to forget her. I don't want to forget her smile, or her laugh when she would snort because she was laughing too hard. I don't want to forget her voice or her smell or her footsteps downstairs. I don't want to forget her face and I don't want to forget the memories with her in my life. I hate that we didn't always get along. Why was I so stubborn?
For my 101 things in 1001 days list I decided that I was going to create a scrapbook of sorts for memories and pictures so that I can't forget her. I won't forget her.
And now I sit here..and I've successfully made myself cry harder than I have in a long, long time. I can't help but cry as I type this. I wonder how it can still hurt so bad??? I feel pain that I felt from a long time ago and I can't stop it.
I have heavy boots. very heavy boots right now.
(You'll understand that if you've read Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.)
Anyways..now that I've let myself cry..I'm really vowing to keep MOther's Day a non crying day.
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Jamie,
ReplyDeleteI'm crying for you now as I read this. What a moving and well written tribute to your mom and you should include it in your scrapbook for her. I don't know what you believe spiritually but I do know that our loved ones who have passed are always still able to be here with us when we need them. For important occasions (I'm sure she was there with you for yours and will continue to be), in the day to day life you lead, and even on those days when you just need a hug. I truly believe that when you think about her she's there with you. I don't know if you believe in life after death but my grandpa died when i was 19 years old and he was the only true father I'll ever have in my life. I miss him so desperately still and its been 16 years without him now. Some days its easier and some days I cry and tell him I want him here still. Anyways, on days when I truly needed him I've waled into my non-smoking house and smelled cigarettes (he smoked my whole life) and when I was dying from my heart attack I heard him tell me to "wake up". Plain as day. I can't explain those things and maybe its just my imagination but it gives me peace.
Just know she's still here with you---her love for you doesn't end----it goes on and on no matter where you two are.
I do feel your pain as I've gone thru it with my grandpa, my uncle, and my daughter. If you ever need to talk about how you feel I'm here.
Love,
Holli
Jamie, I don't know what you're going through, but I'm crying too. Just know that we all love you and we're hear to listen even if we can't understand. I agree with Holli, this was a beautiful and movie tribute. Good luck on Sunday, and just remember that there were plenty of good and positive things about her and your relationship; don't dwell on the bad ones.
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry for your loss. It's ok if you cry on Sunday and know that you are not alone in shedding tears this Mother's Day, as I will be doing much the same as I lost my daughter and Nana too and while the reasons behind the tears are different, the bond of knowing we're all here for one another is the same.
ReplyDeleteAw Jamie, I really admire your honesty in your writing. Both of my parents are still alive, but growing up, my grandparents all died around the same time frame and it devastated me. Even though that was many years ago, I still get emotional thinking about it but have never really articulated it well in writing. You aren't alone though *hugs* I hope that your Mother's Day will be a nice one for a change!
ReplyDeleteJamie,
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to cry (I'm crying right now.) And all the things you are feeling are normal. I do believe what Holli said; even though our loved ones are not with us physically, they are here spiritually. I don't know what you believe, but I believe that my loved ones who have passed on are watching over me. Similar to Holli too, there are times when I'm alone at home and I'll smell my Nana's perfume Shalimar so strong you'd think she was in the room with me. I'm sure your mom is watching over you and
I think a scrapbook would me a wonderful tribute to your mother, as well as a wonderful way to keep her memory alive.
I'm so sorry for your loss, Jamie. You deserve a lot more than this, but... it's all I can offer. However, you should always remember one thing: you'll never be alone. And you'll always be loved.
ReplyDeleteJamie,
ReplyDeleteI'm a little late in replying but I hope you're doing okay. I can't began to imagine how difficult it must be for you to be without your mother. I'm glad you shared your thoughts w/us. It's good to get your feelings out there rather than bottling them up. I think a scrapbook is a great idea for keeping her memories alive.
Thank you for all your kind words everyone. i really appreciate it. It's nice to know I have friends even if I've never met any of them.
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