My best friend is a married woman!!

The wedding went wonderfully. My best friend was just the most beautiful brides ever. The ceremony went soo smoothly and the reception was a blast.

Some highlights:












I definitely have wedding fever right now. I can't help it. All my friends are married or engaged right now. I know that I can't be right now..but it doesn't mean I don't want to be. I know that I love Will and that I want to marry him..but I don't think right now is the right time for us. He needs to finish school. I need to be more responsible with money and realize that rent is probably more important than a cute new dress. I also love that right now we are just enjoying being with each other and still getting to know each other even after 2 1/2 years. I'd just like us to keep doing that for a little while longer.

I'm surrounded by idiots..

Here's an example of the fine specimen that come into my place of work:

And this is exactly how it went down..no exaggeration.

Me(in the fitting room): Hi, how many do you have?
Crazy lady: I don't even know.
Me: Ok, that's fine. I'll be happy to count them for you.
(I count them and start to take her to a room)
Crazy lady: I want the big dressing room.
Me: I am not able to as we generally reserve that room for handicapped/moms with strollers.
Crazy lady: (freaks out) I ALWAYS have the big dressing room...you can go ask your manager. They know me..I always get it. I'm claustrophobic..do you know what that is?>
Me: Ok..that's fine..(I start to put her clothes in the big dressing room)..
Crazy Lady (still yelling at me): You can't force me to go into a little room. I refuse to go in there.
Me (really pissed at this point): I'm NOT forcing you to do anything and I put your stuff in the room. (I walk away while she keeps bitching).

Needless to say..she went and complained to my manager. My manager wasn't even pissed at all because a) she knows that I am a great employee that is not easily angered and is never rude to customers and b) she says this woman comes in from time to time bitching about something.


I mean really..was it necessary to get your panties in a bunch? A freak-out was not warranted. I am a reasonable human being. Just explain to me that you are claustrophobic. I am intelligent..I know what that means. An explanation would have sufficed and I would have understood. Flipping out as soon as I say no was just not right.

Crazy woman.

Maybe I should start a blog about retail hell..just like I did when I used to do customer service. I had some great stories then.

The operation failed within 5 minutes of it's "birth"..

Now I'm wondering if happiness is at all attainable for me..or maybe i'm just always going to be miserable because I can't do all the things I want to do.

I was flipping out about something last night and the boy stopped me and said "Where is this coming from..this isn't you..there is just so much hatred in your voice right now and it's not you."

I don't know where it's coming from.

Got to find a happy place.

I swear I used to never be this miserable.

OPERATION LIVE LIFE AND NOT JUST EXIST.

aka. stop being such a damn Debbie Downer/Negative Nancy/Bitching Betty, etc. etc. and start living!!

I need motivation.
Real quick.

I seriously have procrastinated the same things for months.
For example, I started the process of getting health insurance in February.
I just got all the stuff in about 2 weeks ago after the lady kept getting on me about it.
I've been saying I'm going to clean my room for ages.
I have a huge list of things I want to do in my life but there it all stays..on a list.
Where is my motivation? Where is my passion for living life these days?
I'm ambitious but lately I think I've been giving up on "living" because I'm too overwhelmed with emotions and too bored with my life. I am living under my all too familiar blanket of discontentment and I'm not even trying to get out.

I hate giving up.

wow..

So I spent the weekend with my boyfriend and his family. I haven't seen his family since March when we went on vacation due to the fact that I have to work every weekend. I have to say things are much worse than I expected. This weekend was so hard for me and as soon as I got in my car to drive the 45 minutes home I just cried. ALS is a horrible, horrible way to die.

I think that my boyfriend doesn't let on to how bad things actually are. His dad can barely walk. He only can walk with a walker..and not that far. He falls alot. He can't lift his legs..his arms just hang there. I can tell he is in so much pain. I feel so bad for him..because he is so aware that he can't do anything and that he is helpless and he hates it. I feel bad for his mom because she is stressed. and mostly..I feel horrible for my boyfriend..because I know how it is to watch your parent die at a relatively young age.

I have to just say though..that my boyfriend is amazing. He really is. I know I've said it before..but after this weekend I come back with my heart just bursting at the seams with love for him and in awe of how amazing of a son and boyfriend he is. I was not the primary caretaker of my mom..my stepdad was. It was hard enough for me the few times I had to help him carry her or watch her on occasion. But i realized this weekend..that my boyfriend does it all. We were at their campground this weekend and I got a glimpse of how hard life is for them right now. My boyfriend did everything..he made dinner, he got his dad into chairs and to his friends campsite. It took my boyfriend and 2 other guys to get him into the camper at night. It took about 15 minutes. He just couldn't even lift his legs or pull himself up. He just sort of shuffles. My boyfriend showers his dad this morning and took him to the bathroom and gets him dressed. I was falling apart today just watching it all. I have so much respect for my boyfriend. He honestly is the most amazing man in the world to me. I don't know how he is doing it..but he is handling the situation in a way that I can admire as someone who has been in this situation and handled it poorly. He is just amazing..and I am heartbroken that he has to go through this right now. I'm realizing there is nothing I can do..except be there for him and try to make things easier on him (ie not getting pissed about stupid things even if I'm PMSing lol)

After having seen all this, I arrive home to a big get together at my neightbor's house which is also the house of one of my very good friends. My whole group of friends was there and I could hear them outside laughing and playing lawn games and whatnot. I have always felt a little bit different from all of them in terms of general things..btu every since my mom died have felt this weird separation from them. I can't be the same way as them. I know all of them well..and I'm not trying to diminish the trials in their lives..but they have not had to go through the kinds of things I have..I'm not say that is their fault..but I have always had a hard time relating to them. I matured too fast for my own good because of everything and it's just so hard for me to find the same things important as the rest of them. I know that sounds horrible as if I'm some sort of snob or someone who thinks their live is harder than anyone elses..but that's not really the case. It's just especially now with everything going on..i don't have time for their petty, juvenile bullshit and the social politics that go on amongst this group of people. If I don't show up for an "event" or something..they all think I'm pissed off or that something is wrong. It's ridiculous. I don't have time for it.

I'm warning you this is just babbling..

I'm such a dreadful blogger. My apologies.

I used to be excited to write but now I think I'm too afraid to write because then I will have to actually confront all of the things going on in my head.

And why is it that I will cry because of a stupid sad movie or a stupid part in a fake, cheesy teenage drama..but I can't cry when I'm truly feeling something?

I've been really out of it lately..which is not a good time..because I need to be a good girlfriend, a good friend, a good bridesmaid, a good employee, etc. etc.

I honestly sometimes have to force myself out of bed. I hate my job. It is so unfulfilling and not challenging in the least. I'm insanely jealous of people with exciting lives when the majority of my life consists of work and at most reading. (Not that I don't LOVE reading)..but I would love to do OTHER things in my life. It's not enough to live vicariously through people in books and movies and tv. But..you need money to have most of the excitement I want in my life..which requires a job..which I can't get a job because I have no "experience" and to get experience you need a job..I'm like a damn dog chasing my tail.

I could have exciting times with my friends..but oh wait. I've burned most of those bridges because I find most of them shallow and boring and not genuine people. They don't make me want to LIVE life with all of their juvenile antics of talking crap about people and being fake! The only true friends I have are either getting married or are already married and don't have time for me..or they live miles and miles away..(why don't you all come live near me??)

I love my boyfriend. I do. I can say he is honestly the only person that I can trust and that I'm glad to be around. But..he is back and home and he is 45 minutes away..and he doesn't have time for me right now between work and other things. He's got his plate full and the last thing I would want is to become a burden because I know too well what he's going through..and I don't want to be selfish. His dad is dying..he's got ALS (Lou Gehrig's)..and it's just so sad. I have watched someone die before and I would never wish it upon anyone. I know what he's going through..and in some ways..it's a great thing..because I can be understanding and I KNOW what he is going through. But..I have to say..as selfish as it may sound..it's really hard on me too..to have to watch this again. It brings back so many vivid memories. It's hard because his dad is getting really bad and is at the point where he needs help all the time..and I just am heartbroken to know what my boyfriend is going through right now. But I can't tell him..I can't tell him how scared I am for him and how scary it is to lose a parent. I can't. I have to be the strong one..even though he is ten times stronger than I was during my mom's illness. I see where it is all going..I know what it's like..I'm on the outside of this. He doesn't see that his dad is going to die at some point soon. I was the same way. I just adjusted to her being sick and thought it would last forever. I just feel terrible right now because I can't do anything. I have to watch all of this unfold..and I feel like I'm not strong enough. I don't know if I'm mentally stable to do this again.

And then the other pressing issue..my future? I want to go to NYC and get an internship..but I cannot and will not leave him right now. He is the most important thing to me..but I am so unhappy here. I truly am. I cannot keep working this job. But I cannot leave him. That would be so selfish. I know that he is the man that I am going to be with for the rest of my life..but I keep having this hard time balancing what I need and what he needs...and I know he would support me going..but I could never leave him right now at a time like this. I don't know how to make myself happy right now in the present though.

I do know one thing. All of this..is making us stronger in our relationship. I love him more than I ever have. I always said that I wanted to marry someone who would be the way my stepdad was to my mom during her illness...and I know that he is the one. I know it in the way that he takes care of me..and in the way he is with his dad.

The other day I was going through a box of old letters and random stuff. I came across this letter that this guy that I hated dated during my sophomore year in college wrote me upon hearing about my mom's death. It was a really nice letter (I had already broken up with him a few months before) but the one line of it completely caught me off guard..because I totally forgot that he ever wrote me this letter. He was talking about love..as in how my mom knew I loved her..and about how my stepdad loved my mom and me..It said, " and you too will have that perfect man by your side..never forget that qualification." I realized that in the past I may have taken that qualification for granted..but I know how important it is. I know that I am going to be with him for the rest of my life.

Ah..this post was a whirlwind of emotion. I'm sorry for those of you who actually read it. I just really needed to get it out..to people I trust..because the few of you that actually KNOW this blog are a few people that I trust even though I have never met you before.