In Which I Share a Remarkable Realization..

Nobody else is going to live my life for me. Nobody is going to save me from myself or whatever I have become.

It looks to me, lazy hands, that we are going to have to climb out of this one by ourselves. And it is about time.

When it comes down to it..

I really feel like I've wasted alot of my life lately. I do nothing anymore. This is not me. It's not me at all. I don't invest in the lives of people anymore. I am so indifferent towards everything and everyone. It's not me.

I honestly feel like if I dropped off the face of the earth, there would be maybe a handful of people who actually noticed or cared. That is not how it would have been before. I had relationships with people. Now I'm a horrible friend and person in general.

I don't know how to get out of this. I really don't. I get how people give up now. I really do. You kick and fight for so long to keep your head above the water and then eventually your body fails you and you just stop. You give in because you just can't fight anymore.

I Fell in Love All Over Again

I just realized how badly off I have been--I've had no interest in music. I have just been sitting here for 2 hours listening to all my favorite music. It's beautiful. Falling in love all over again.

I feel this blanket of infinite sadness lifting slowly. Just a little more and I might be able to breathe again.

Peaceful Moments

I just had one of the most peaceful (& unexpected) five minutes of my life.

I'll tell you about that moment after I tell you the circumstances surrounding it. As many of you well know, I have only been working part time as I've been not able to find a job. I have an anxiety level that is probably not healthy and I've let myself sink into a mild depression. I'm unmotivated to do the simplest of tasks. I let people down. I avoid people. And when I have to talk to people, I fake it like I was a seasoned actress. I put on that air of an exciting life when really my life has come down to sitting, waiting, and hoping. I spend my days on my computer, reading, and laying outside. That doesn't sound too dreadful, in fact those are some of my favorite things to do, but not when I'm doing them every day. The monotony closes in around me.

I choke. I gasp. I sputter. I just give up.

Today was like every other day---
I wake up.
I am sad.
My stomach growls.
I ignore it.
I slip into a coma in front of my computer for a few hours.
I put on my bathing suit.
I poke and pull at my fat.
I am sad.
I vow to start exercising so I can keep my frame.
I grab my book (this keeps me sane)
I lay contently reading while the sun destroys my skin.
I sweat.
I get into my baby pool (best 10 bucks of my life)
My mind wanders--I think about my life.
I am sad.
I shower.
I put on faces for the people I will encounter as people get done work(family, boyfriend, friends)
I am sad.

The rest of my night is pretty boring so we'll go back to the part where I saunter over to my baby pool. I used to have a real pool when I lived with my dad. I loved it and I never wanted to get out. My favorite thing to do was to swim underwater and not be able to hear anything. I would think that this is what a fish might feel like. I never really thought much past that but for some reason I was always drawn to the quiet.

Today I was too hot so I decided to dunk my head under. Silence. I don't remember the last time I had silence. Real silence. There is always the echoes of civilization in the neighboring houses or the sound of the fan. I lay there--my head (excluding my face) is submerged in water. I hear nothing. Honest to goodness silence. I don't hear the neighbor kids playing. I don't hear the hawks in the tree. I don't hear the lawn mowers. I hear nothing. In that moment, I couldn't even hear my own self loathing and self pity. I couldn't hear my anxieties beckoning me. My inadequacies fell silent.

I smiled. An honest, unforced smile. I lay there for a few minutes in this beautiful silence. I closed my eyes. I opened them. I watched the clouds float against the blue sky. I smiled. Silence was the perfect soundtrack for the scene and I wanted to play it over and over and over again.

I felt peace for a few small moments and somehow I know everything will be okay.