I'm such a dreadful blogger. My apologies.
I used to be excited to write but now I think I'm too afraid to write because then I will have to actually confront all of the things going on in my head.
And why is it that I will cry because of a stupid sad movie or a stupid part in a fake, cheesy teenage drama..but I can't cry when I'm truly feeling something?
I've been really out of it lately..which is not a good time..because I need to be a good girlfriend, a good friend, a good bridesmaid, a good employee, etc. etc.
I honestly sometimes have to force myself out of bed. I hate my job. It is so unfulfilling and not challenging in the least. I'm insanely jealous of people with exciting lives when the majority of my life consists of work and at most reading. (Not that I don't LOVE reading)..but I would love to do OTHER things in my life. It's not enough to live vicariously through people in books and movies and tv. But..you need money to have most of the excitement I want in my life..which requires a job..which I can't get a job because I have no "experience" and to get experience you need a job..I'm like a damn dog chasing my tail.
I could have exciting times with my friends..but oh wait. I've burned most of those bridges because I find most of them shallow and boring and not genuine people. They don't make me want to LIVE life with all of their juvenile antics of talking crap about people and being fake! The only true friends I have are either getting married or are already married and don't have time for me..or they live miles and miles away..(why don't you all come live near me??)
I love my boyfriend. I do. I can say he is honestly the only person that I can trust and that I'm glad to be around. But..he is back and home and he is 45 minutes away..and he doesn't have time for me right now between work and other things. He's got his plate full and the last thing I would want is to become a burden because I know too well what he's going through..and I don't want to be selfish. His dad is dying..he's got ALS (Lou Gehrig's)..and it's just so sad. I have watched someone die before and I would never wish it upon anyone. I know what he's going through..and in some ways..it's a great thing..because I can be understanding and I KNOW what he is going through. But..I have to say..as selfish as it may sound..it's really hard on me too..to have to watch this again. It brings back so many vivid memories. It's hard because his dad is getting really bad and is at the point where he needs help all the time..and I just am heartbroken to know what my boyfriend is going through right now. But I can't tell him..I can't tell him how scared I am for him and how scary it is to lose a parent. I can't. I have to be the strong one..even though he is ten times stronger than I was during my mom's illness. I see where it is all going..I know what it's like..I'm on the outside of this. He doesn't see that his dad is going to die at some point soon. I was the same way. I just adjusted to her being sick and thought it would last forever. I just feel terrible right now because I can't do anything. I have to watch all of this unfold..and I feel like I'm not strong enough. I don't know if I'm mentally stable to do this again.
And then the other pressing issue..my future? I want to go to NYC and get an internship..but I cannot and will not leave him right now. He is the most important thing to me..but I am so unhappy here. I truly am. I cannot keep working this job. But I cannot leave him. That would be so selfish. I know that he is the man that I am going to be with for the rest of my life..but I keep having this hard time balancing what I need and what he needs...and I know he would support me going..but I could never leave him right now at a time like this. I don't know how to make myself happy right now in the present though.
I do know one thing. All of this..is making us stronger in our relationship. I love him more than I ever have. I always said that I wanted to marry someone who would be the way my stepdad was to my mom during her illness...and I know that he is the one. I know it in the way that he takes care of me..and in the way he is with his dad.
The other day I was going through a box of old letters and random stuff. I came across this letter that this guy that I hated dated during my sophomore year in college wrote me upon hearing about my mom's death. It was a really nice letter (I had already broken up with him a few months before) but the one line of it completely caught me off guard..because I totally forgot that he ever wrote me this letter. He was talking about love..as in how my mom knew I loved her..and about how my stepdad loved my mom and me..It said, " and you too will have that perfect man by your side..never forget that qualification." I realized that in the past I may have taken that qualification for granted..but I know how important it is. I know that I am going to be with him for the rest of my life.
Ah..this post was a whirlwind of emotion. I'm sorry for those of you who actually read it. I just really needed to get it out..to people I trust..because the few of you that actually KNOW this blog are a few people that I trust even though I have never met you before.
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Jamie,
ReplyDeleteHang in there! That's exactly why we have our blogs...to vent whatever is bearing weight on our shoulders. I can understand that you don't want to leave your boyfriend to chase your dreams but you also need to look out for yourself at the same time. If you guys are truly meant to be, then he will stay with you wherever you may go & endure tough times w/you no matter how difficult they may be. Don't put yourself on the back burner...you deserve happiness as much as anyone else!
Hey Jamie,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you are having to live through this again. It is so unfair to you and to your boyfriend and everyone else who has had to watch a loved one suffer for a long time.
I want you to know that if the life is being sucked out of you by your job, bad friends, a bad city, whatever, that's less that you can give your boyfriend. I know about wanting to be there and be strong for someone. But being strong doesn't mean that you make yourself miserable. It means that you're OK with you and you're able to share some of that OK-ness with someone else. Don't put yourself on the back-burner for too long.
Let me know if you want to talk. Except for when I'm in class, I can talk whenever. Got it?!
Jamie, thank you for trusting us. I know how hard on you your boyfriend's Dad's illness is and you are very brave for not turning your back on him during this time because of what it brings back for you. You are stronger than you think or realize you are. And what you are doing for him is love him, which is all you can do and the best thing you can do for him.
ReplyDeleteDon't let your NY dreams go too long ~ I understand why you're holding off for now ~ but if you are that unhappy and know you should be doing something else, you aren't doing yourself or your boyfriend any good by staying put.
I know many people unhappy in their current jobs who feel bad about not liking their jobs because they feel ungrateful in this economy, but it's ok to look for another job while keeping the one you have. It's never bad to want better for yourself. But if looking for another job will keep you from going to NY, maybe it's time to make a plan for NY to give yourself something to look forward to and a specific goal to work towards.
Your boyfriend is very lucky to have you! You may not feel like you are strong enough to get through this, but you are trying, and that's what counts! Some people pick up and leave when things get difficult in life, but you have the strength to stay and endure.
ReplyDeleteAside from the New York thing, what other things would you like to do that you feel could make you happy or occupy your time?
Ah Jamie, I just want to hug you and have a long sit down over coffee. So many things I want to say to you, but everything seems shallow when I start to type it. I think you are amazingly strong, loving, kind and generous. Sometimes I think we go through hard times just so we understand we meet someone down the road going through the same thing. You and your boyfriend are so lucky to have each other for love and support.
ReplyDeleteIt's ok to chase your dreams as well and still be there for your boyfriend. How far is NY from where he is? Would going to NY really mean that you couldn't be there for him?
Know that we chicks are here for you even though we are miles apart...tweet or email me anytime. ((hugs))
I wish we lived closer Jamie! I really do. I know how you are feeling....I'm going thru a bit of that myself right now. You have a strong personality and big dreams. You'll make it. Don't worry. DO what you need to do now and when the time is right for NYC, NYC will still be there.
ReplyDeleteHi Jamie,
ReplyDeleteSorry it took me so long to respond, I forget I follow blogs sometimes. I am so sorry you are going through all of this, and I am also here if you ever need to talk or vent or whatever. I can't say I know what you are going through, but I can say that I'll do my best to help you out if you need it.