HAPPINESS PROJECT

Here's the link:

http://my2010happinessproject.blogspot.com/



You'll probably catch me there more so than here for the duration of 2010!

I'm still rather unhappy and have many moments of extreme discontent. I would do well with a month long excursion around the world. My amazing boyfriend is the only thing that truly makes me happy and keeps me sane.

I'm just not myself these days.

However, it's been a long period of time, that I'm beginning to wonder if it's just who I have become. "These days" have turned into "these months."

I don't know what has gotten into me. I used to be such a social butterfly. Excuse the cliche but it describes my former self perfectly. Anytime I was invited to go out or to hang out with friends, I was always up for it. In the past couple of months I have rejected so many invitations to do anything. I always try and get out of plans. I don't feel bad about missing out any of it although I can feel my friendships suffering. And for some reason I don't care. This is not me. I really used to be that person that was fun and was always up for anything. I hate the term "life of the party" but I'd say that the connotations that come with the phrase could accurately describe my former self. I lived for social interaction and being around people. Now, I'd much rather stay home by myself or be with my boyfriend. While I do appreciate the quiet moments in my life, I feel as though I need the social interaction back in my life even if right now I don't feel like I do. I know that I do because I'll look at old pictures with complete nostalgia and remember how fun I used to be but, when presented with a social invite, I shudder at the thought.

Good thing 2010 is around the corner.

I'll be posting a blog link for my Happiness Project for those of you that would like to read about my journey and cheer me on!

I've got the job searching blues..

I started to write a little blues ditty about my job searching failures..but then realized how silly it was and erased it to avoid humiliation. :)

One word to sum up my job/internship searching : Catch-22

To get EXPERIENCE (which is what I'm seeking so that I can GET that dream job in the fashion industry) I need a JOB...(notice I didn't say the $100,000 education I paid for)..

To get a JOB..you need EXPERIENCE...(again...apparently my education has no value to employers) ..umm...so...HOW do I get EXPERIENCE without a JOB and get JOB without EXPERIENCE?? The math is not adding up for me here and I feel like a damn dog chasing my own tail. And another thing..WHY did I go to college if it means nothing??

It's just sad that an educated, smart, energetic, self motivated person like myself (not to toot my own horn or anything :)) cannot find a job that is suitable. I DO NOT want to work retail anymore where I am treated like a 16 year old..because i AM NOT a 16 year old.

Seriously. I'm willing to do anything. I'm willing to take an unpaid internship and eat only Ramen for the next few years if that is what it takes. ( I better start experimenting with the Ramen now to get used to it!)

there is a war a brewin' in my soul

I can feel it.

There are these two competing forces having an all out battle within me. I feel it every minute of every day depending on where I'm at, who I'm with, and what I see.

That sounds slightly like split personalities I realze..but it's not like that.

I have two parts of me that yearns from something completely different for my life.

We have Side One--let's call it Glitz & Glamour and then we have Side Two--Simplicity. Ok..that makes side 2 sound bad..but really I keep thinking of the song Chicken Fried when I think of that side of me. or really any country song that talks about this simple kind of life. and I don't even really like country.

The Glitz and Glamour side of me wants it all! I want to get that glamorous job in the fashion industry, go to fun socialite parties and meet interesting people, living life in the fast lane (ahem Eagles), and basically just having an adventurous life. I yearn for this life whenever I'm bored..especially when I'm at work picking up clothes from oh so bratty teenagers or being talked to like a moron by some mom who is in denial that she can't really fit into the clothes she is wearing. I get like this whenever I watch Project Runway, other shows with people who are undeserving of the cool job they have, etc. or when I'm reading magazines or seeing places on tv that I want to go to. I yearn for this life alot lately. In my mind I fit my boyfriend in it..and maybe a family somewhere along the line. But it means I'm out of here and on to the big city!

The Simplicity side in me sees the beauty in everything. I worship being out in nature, spending time with the ones I love, and all the small things that often go unnoticed. This side of me just wants to settle down with a job that makes me happy but isn't necessarily glamorous or what I always wanted. It wants to just have a simple life and be happy and starting a family with Will. I yearn for this when I'm missing a holiday that I could be spending with my family because I'm at work or when I'm driving to work and I see a beautiful little boy blowing bubbles and his dad is taking pictures on the sidewalk. Those things could just make me cry.

I have not yet been able to reconcile these two sides to me..which is probably why I am not moving forward with any plans. New York? New job? New attitude? I'm at a stand still. Indecision massacre. A stick stuck in the mud. Like when I played Stuck in the Mud in gym class as a child. You would wait and wait and wait for another kid to come craw under your legs so you could have your go at running around again and dodging balls being thrown out you and saving your friends from being stuck in the mud. If only that's all it took to get myself out of this.

I may go crazy before this war ends.

July 2nd..

Today is the anniversary of the death of my mother. I can't say it gets easier. It's just a weird feeling. It' weird because I always think of it as such a huge day and that I will be in mourning all day. But the truth is..it feels like a pretty normal day..and I haven't cried yet..which I know I will at some point. I keep trying to look at it more like a celebration of her life. So I'll drink some wine, listen to Jimmy Buffett, and eat some Mike & Ike's because are all things my mom would do.

I'll remember that I have great friends and a wonderful boyfriend....I mean..a best friend who would have already written a card before she went on her honeymoon and have it be sent to me so that she could still be "with" me in a sense!

And I'll be happy that I reconnected with my old best friend from middle school/high school that I haven't talked to in YEARS.

and in general..I'll remember that the relationships in my life are of utmost importance and try never to take them for granted.

My best friend is a married woman!!

The wedding went wonderfully. My best friend was just the most beautiful brides ever. The ceremony went soo smoothly and the reception was a blast.

Some highlights:












I definitely have wedding fever right now. I can't help it. All my friends are married or engaged right now. I know that I can't be right now..but it doesn't mean I don't want to be. I know that I love Will and that I want to marry him..but I don't think right now is the right time for us. He needs to finish school. I need to be more responsible with money and realize that rent is probably more important than a cute new dress. I also love that right now we are just enjoying being with each other and still getting to know each other even after 2 1/2 years. I'd just like us to keep doing that for a little while longer.

I'm surrounded by idiots..

Here's an example of the fine specimen that come into my place of work:

And this is exactly how it went down..no exaggeration.

Me(in the fitting room): Hi, how many do you have?
Crazy lady: I don't even know.
Me: Ok, that's fine. I'll be happy to count them for you.
(I count them and start to take her to a room)
Crazy lady: I want the big dressing room.
Me: I am not able to as we generally reserve that room for handicapped/moms with strollers.
Crazy lady: (freaks out) I ALWAYS have the big dressing room...you can go ask your manager. They know me..I always get it. I'm claustrophobic..do you know what that is?>
Me: Ok..that's fine..(I start to put her clothes in the big dressing room)..
Crazy Lady (still yelling at me): You can't force me to go into a little room. I refuse to go in there.
Me (really pissed at this point): I'm NOT forcing you to do anything and I put your stuff in the room. (I walk away while she keeps bitching).

Needless to say..she went and complained to my manager. My manager wasn't even pissed at all because a) she knows that I am a great employee that is not easily angered and is never rude to customers and b) she says this woman comes in from time to time bitching about something.


I mean really..was it necessary to get your panties in a bunch? A freak-out was not warranted. I am a reasonable human being. Just explain to me that you are claustrophobic. I am intelligent..I know what that means. An explanation would have sufficed and I would have understood. Flipping out as soon as I say no was just not right.

Crazy woman.

Maybe I should start a blog about retail hell..just like I did when I used to do customer service. I had some great stories then.

The operation failed within 5 minutes of it's "birth"..

Now I'm wondering if happiness is at all attainable for me..or maybe i'm just always going to be miserable because I can't do all the things I want to do.

I was flipping out about something last night and the boy stopped me and said "Where is this coming from..this isn't you..there is just so much hatred in your voice right now and it's not you."

I don't know where it's coming from.

Got to find a happy place.

I swear I used to never be this miserable.

OPERATION LIVE LIFE AND NOT JUST EXIST.

aka. stop being such a damn Debbie Downer/Negative Nancy/Bitching Betty, etc. etc. and start living!!

I need motivation.
Real quick.

I seriously have procrastinated the same things for months.
For example, I started the process of getting health insurance in February.
I just got all the stuff in about 2 weeks ago after the lady kept getting on me about it.
I've been saying I'm going to clean my room for ages.
I have a huge list of things I want to do in my life but there it all stays..on a list.
Where is my motivation? Where is my passion for living life these days?
I'm ambitious but lately I think I've been giving up on "living" because I'm too overwhelmed with emotions and too bored with my life. I am living under my all too familiar blanket of discontentment and I'm not even trying to get out.

I hate giving up.

wow..

So I spent the weekend with my boyfriend and his family. I haven't seen his family since March when we went on vacation due to the fact that I have to work every weekend. I have to say things are much worse than I expected. This weekend was so hard for me and as soon as I got in my car to drive the 45 minutes home I just cried. ALS is a horrible, horrible way to die.

I think that my boyfriend doesn't let on to how bad things actually are. His dad can barely walk. He only can walk with a walker..and not that far. He falls alot. He can't lift his legs..his arms just hang there. I can tell he is in so much pain. I feel so bad for him..because he is so aware that he can't do anything and that he is helpless and he hates it. I feel bad for his mom because she is stressed. and mostly..I feel horrible for my boyfriend..because I know how it is to watch your parent die at a relatively young age.

I have to just say though..that my boyfriend is amazing. He really is. I know I've said it before..but after this weekend I come back with my heart just bursting at the seams with love for him and in awe of how amazing of a son and boyfriend he is. I was not the primary caretaker of my mom..my stepdad was. It was hard enough for me the few times I had to help him carry her or watch her on occasion. But i realized this weekend..that my boyfriend does it all. We were at their campground this weekend and I got a glimpse of how hard life is for them right now. My boyfriend did everything..he made dinner, he got his dad into chairs and to his friends campsite. It took my boyfriend and 2 other guys to get him into the camper at night. It took about 15 minutes. He just couldn't even lift his legs or pull himself up. He just sort of shuffles. My boyfriend showers his dad this morning and took him to the bathroom and gets him dressed. I was falling apart today just watching it all. I have so much respect for my boyfriend. He honestly is the most amazing man in the world to me. I don't know how he is doing it..but he is handling the situation in a way that I can admire as someone who has been in this situation and handled it poorly. He is just amazing..and I am heartbroken that he has to go through this right now. I'm realizing there is nothing I can do..except be there for him and try to make things easier on him (ie not getting pissed about stupid things even if I'm PMSing lol)

After having seen all this, I arrive home to a big get together at my neightbor's house which is also the house of one of my very good friends. My whole group of friends was there and I could hear them outside laughing and playing lawn games and whatnot. I have always felt a little bit different from all of them in terms of general things..btu every since my mom died have felt this weird separation from them. I can't be the same way as them. I know all of them well..and I'm not trying to diminish the trials in their lives..but they have not had to go through the kinds of things I have..I'm not say that is their fault..but I have always had a hard time relating to them. I matured too fast for my own good because of everything and it's just so hard for me to find the same things important as the rest of them. I know that sounds horrible as if I'm some sort of snob or someone who thinks their live is harder than anyone elses..but that's not really the case. It's just especially now with everything going on..i don't have time for their petty, juvenile bullshit and the social politics that go on amongst this group of people. If I don't show up for an "event" or something..they all think I'm pissed off or that something is wrong. It's ridiculous. I don't have time for it.

I'm warning you this is just babbling..

I'm such a dreadful blogger. My apologies.

I used to be excited to write but now I think I'm too afraid to write because then I will have to actually confront all of the things going on in my head.

And why is it that I will cry because of a stupid sad movie or a stupid part in a fake, cheesy teenage drama..but I can't cry when I'm truly feeling something?

I've been really out of it lately..which is not a good time..because I need to be a good girlfriend, a good friend, a good bridesmaid, a good employee, etc. etc.

I honestly sometimes have to force myself out of bed. I hate my job. It is so unfulfilling and not challenging in the least. I'm insanely jealous of people with exciting lives when the majority of my life consists of work and at most reading. (Not that I don't LOVE reading)..but I would love to do OTHER things in my life. It's not enough to live vicariously through people in books and movies and tv. But..you need money to have most of the excitement I want in my life..which requires a job..which I can't get a job because I have no "experience" and to get experience you need a job..I'm like a damn dog chasing my tail.

I could have exciting times with my friends..but oh wait. I've burned most of those bridges because I find most of them shallow and boring and not genuine people. They don't make me want to LIVE life with all of their juvenile antics of talking crap about people and being fake! The only true friends I have are either getting married or are already married and don't have time for me..or they live miles and miles away..(why don't you all come live near me??)

I love my boyfriend. I do. I can say he is honestly the only person that I can trust and that I'm glad to be around. But..he is back and home and he is 45 minutes away..and he doesn't have time for me right now between work and other things. He's got his plate full and the last thing I would want is to become a burden because I know too well what he's going through..and I don't want to be selfish. His dad is dying..he's got ALS (Lou Gehrig's)..and it's just so sad. I have watched someone die before and I would never wish it upon anyone. I know what he's going through..and in some ways..it's a great thing..because I can be understanding and I KNOW what he is going through. But..I have to say..as selfish as it may sound..it's really hard on me too..to have to watch this again. It brings back so many vivid memories. It's hard because his dad is getting really bad and is at the point where he needs help all the time..and I just am heartbroken to know what my boyfriend is going through right now. But I can't tell him..I can't tell him how scared I am for him and how scary it is to lose a parent. I can't. I have to be the strong one..even though he is ten times stronger than I was during my mom's illness. I see where it is all going..I know what it's like..I'm on the outside of this. He doesn't see that his dad is going to die at some point soon. I was the same way. I just adjusted to her being sick and thought it would last forever. I just feel terrible right now because I can't do anything. I have to watch all of this unfold..and I feel like I'm not strong enough. I don't know if I'm mentally stable to do this again.

And then the other pressing issue..my future? I want to go to NYC and get an internship..but I cannot and will not leave him right now. He is the most important thing to me..but I am so unhappy here. I truly am. I cannot keep working this job. But I cannot leave him. That would be so selfish. I know that he is the man that I am going to be with for the rest of my life..but I keep having this hard time balancing what I need and what he needs...and I know he would support me going..but I could never leave him right now at a time like this. I don't know how to make myself happy right now in the present though.

I do know one thing. All of this..is making us stronger in our relationship. I love him more than I ever have. I always said that I wanted to marry someone who would be the way my stepdad was to my mom during her illness...and I know that he is the one. I know it in the way that he takes care of me..and in the way he is with his dad.

The other day I was going through a box of old letters and random stuff. I came across this letter that this guy that I hated dated during my sophomore year in college wrote me upon hearing about my mom's death. It was a really nice letter (I had already broken up with him a few months before) but the one line of it completely caught me off guard..because I totally forgot that he ever wrote me this letter. He was talking about love..as in how my mom knew I loved her..and about how my stepdad loved my mom and me..It said, " and you too will have that perfect man by your side..never forget that qualification." I realized that in the past I may have taken that qualification for granted..but I know how important it is. I know that I am going to be with him for the rest of my life.

Ah..this post was a whirlwind of emotion. I'm sorry for those of you who actually read it. I just really needed to get it out..to people I trust..because the few of you that actually KNOW this blog are a few people that I trust even though I have never met you before.

Mother's Day..

This day probably ranks up there as one of the worst days for me out of the entire year..aside from the day that my mother died. I can't say I'm looking forward to it..but this Mother's Day I'm vowing not to be depressed but letting it be a day to remember her. I'm thinking I want to spend it alone and I'm currently making a plan for a special day for myself to remember her.

For those of you who don't know..my mother passed away from brain cancer almost 3 years ago in July. It was one of the most excruciating things I have ever gone through..to see my mother..the strong & independent woman who raised my sister and I as a single working mother..essentially just wilt before my eyes. No child should ever have to see their mother basically revert back to a child herself or have to help their mom go to the bathroom or feed her. It was really quite traumatic. I would do it again because I love her (despite our rocky relationship)but it hurts my heart thinking about those times when she was sick

It's been a tough road. I've hit all sorts of highs and lows. I can say that losing a loved one is probably one of those things you will never get over and it will stick with you the rest of your life.

It's just all so weird. It hits me in the strangest times. For example..during my first month of work at Forever 21..I see a man come in with his wife who is in a wheel chair. I am certain she had something similar to my mother because it reminded me of her. I see him trying to pick out bras for her..and my heart just breaks. (Random insert..I have the most AMAZING stepdad in the world..he cared for my mother better than any movie could ever portray) My heart broke because it just reminded me all too much of my situation. So..I go over to him and ask him if I can help him with anything. He asks some questions about the bras and how she could wear it as a strapless. I help him. I walk away and I start bawling. I can't even speak. Thank god I have a caring manager who just listened and told me to go to the break room.

Other times it's just these random moments where I miss her or think of her in a subtle way. I might meet someone who reminds me of her or think of a fond memory. I often wonder how I'm going to handle getting married or having a baby without my mom being there. I wonder if she would have liked my boyfriend whom I know I will marry (he sadly never got to meet her..we met months after her death). It's just so sad to think that she never will be there for any of those important events in my life. I was especially distraught when I graduated and she wasn't there..she was the motivator in my life for school whether I wanted it or not.

Sometimes I forget she is really gone. Even though reality has clearly set in..I think that it really didn't happen. It couldn't have. It's just so wierd to think that she's gone..dead. Its not really something I think i can comprehend.

Other times I get upset because I feel like I forget her. I feel horrible because I might not think about her one day..and I'll think there is something wrong with me. Why am I not sad anymore? Why don't I think about her? I know it's normal..but it feels wrong..and then it scares me because I'm afraid I'm going to forget her. I don't want to forget her smile, or her laugh when she would snort because she was laughing too hard. I don't want to forget her voice or her smell or her footsteps downstairs. I don't want to forget her face and I don't want to forget the memories with her in my life. I hate that we didn't always get along. Why was I so stubborn?

For my 101 things in 1001 days list I decided that I was going to create a scrapbook of sorts for memories and pictures so that I can't forget her. I won't forget her.

And now I sit here..and I've successfully made myself cry harder than I have in a long, long time. I can't help but cry as I type this. I wonder how it can still hurt so bad??? I feel pain that I felt from a long time ago and I can't stop it.

I have heavy boots. very heavy boots right now.

(You'll understand that if you've read Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.)

Anyways..now that I've let myself cry..I'm really vowing to keep MOther's Day a non crying day.

I'm feeling irritated for no apparent reason. I mean..there are a few contributors but nothing really huge.

a few things:

- I hate how people change for the worst
-I hate not being able to trust certain people
- I hate feeling like my life is forever going to consist of work
- how men and women will always be from seemingly different planets
- how I feel like life is passing me by and I'm claws in the wall trying to hang on to some remnant of the past.
- I hate not doing what I want to do; I'm becoming resentful in ways
- I feel like I have no true friends; aside from a few on GR
- how in a matter of seconds your life could just end.

Ugh. I think this weather is affecting my disposition.

That last point..yeah..scary moment yesterday. I don't know what happened. I was driving and honestly lost control of the car. I just felt it start to go a way that I hadn't intended..I don't know how I regained control but it could have been disastrous. There was a tree to my right side and many cars on my left. I don't feel like I was going too fast..well any faster than normal..and the roads didn't seem that wet anymore. So..I'm hoping that maybe it was just me driving too fast for the wet roads..rather than something being wrong with my car. It was so scary to say the least. I'm slightly afraid of driving today.

CRAZY EIGHTS! (Stolen from Lori!)

I stole this from Lori's blog!


8 Things I'm Looking Forward To:

1. Going to the beach with the boyfriend next Sunday

2. Starting my career and QUITTING Forever 21.

3. My best friend's wedding

4. My own wedding...in a couple of years..not soon. lol

5. Laying out and reading on beautiful summer days

6. Eating Corn on the cob this summer

7. Going back to Europe (need to make some money first!)

8. Getting out of this town


8 Things I Did Yesterday:

1. Went to work

2. Had a stalker come into work

3. Saw a girl I kind of used to talk to at work and had a really good conversation

4. Got ticked off at my boyfriend

5. Ate dinner with my step dad

6. Opened a savings account for the future.

7. Was on Goodreads for way too long

8. Watched Lost & Fringe


8 Things I Wish I Could Do:

1. Go to Europe again

2. Read instead of going to work..well really I'd rather do anything than go to work.

3. Hang out with my boyfriend more often

4. Move to NYC

5. Go to LA for a few months for school

6. Be more productive

7. Buy a new car

8. get along with my sister


8 Shows I Watch:

1. The OC

2. Gilmore Girls

3. Lost

4. 24

5. Fringe

6. 90210

7. Survivor

8. CSI

April showers bring..SUMMER?

Seriously..did we just bypass Spring here? One day it is rainy and extremely cold and the next day I am melting in 90 degree weather. Not that I am complaining..because I would take the heat any day rather than the cold.

Things are going pretty well. Work is horrible as always. I can't wait until I find a job that I actually enjoy.

I am really, more than ever, feeling so discontent. I think working this job is part of it. I want more out of life. I feel like I'm not getting enough out of it. I'm trying to fulfill these desires by trying new things and doing more of the things that I actually want to do. But the truth is I'm bored..I just honestly want to move to the city with my boyfriend and start my life there for a little while and then see where it goes from there.

Ah. anyways..I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. Live life as much as I can and take advantage of every moment. Wow..all of that sounds so cliche.

As for now..I'm going to bed so I can get up and play tennis with the boyfriend on my day off! That should be a good time! :)

spring.?.are you here? it's me..JAMIE!

Dear Spring,

Thank you making an appearance today. I rather enjoyed our time together this afternoon. I do hope you are planning on staying around for a while. I don't think that I can bear Winter anymore with the bitter cold and the rain. Your presence is always welcome and today was no exception.

Love,
Jamie



Seriously though. Today was amazing. There is something about one of the first spring days that just makes me feel giddy. I hate the cold and the dreary skies in the winter..so it's a relief when these days start to happen. I read outside all day today and got some quality writing time & photography time in as well. Its so refreshing to crawl out of the cave from a long and bitter winter (metaphorically speaking as well). I hear others doing the same..I can hear the creak of the swing from the children next door. I hear the screams of children riding past on bikes. I hear the humming of the lawn mower in the distance. Even the birds have come out. The sun, the grass, the flowers blooming, the blue skies...they just make me feel like a new person. It motivates me..makes me want to do things..it relaxes me & brings a sort of inner peace. I smile alot too.

And now I have to go to work.. :(
But in light of working on trying to be more positive..I am just going to say..at least I got to spend the majority of the day outside. (rather than complaining about how much i hate work). Hopefully other people will be too..so that it isn't so chaotic at work!

love, love, love

I am so utterly and undeniable in love. I absolutely love him. I've never felt this way about another human being ever. I've always gotten bored with boyfriends after a few months and with him its been over 2 years and I still am so in love with him and my heart gets happy when i get to see him. I realize how much love I have for him in the smallest instances..the way I would sacrifice eating the rest of my food and give it to him because I know he's still hungry even though i know technically i could definitely..or the way I would sacrifice 2 of my days off to help him write a paper when I'd rather be reading. I've never felt like this before. I can be pretty selfish sometimes..but with him..I would do anything for him. I never knew that I was capable of this much love for someone. It scares me but excites me all at the same time.

getting better?

hmm..so work has been getting better the past few days..which is a relief as it has been unbearable most of the time. I don't know if I'm just becoming immune to it all or what..but I just don't care anymore about rude customers and annoying workmates/managers and I just didn't go home feeling like I wanted to cry the past few days..always a plus.

Easter was good. I wish that I could have gone up to my dad's house but it was too far a drive for just one day since I had to work both Saturday and Monday. I ended up going to the boyfriend's house for Easter dinner. I realized that there is no place like home for the holidays. I've had Thanksgiving and Easter at his house this past year..and I realized that I miss my own family traditions and food. I almost about died on Thanksgiving when there were no mashed potatoes. What? Really?? That's like the staple to any holiday dinner at my house. For Easter I resigned to the fact that I probably wouldn't be having mashed potatoes..and I was right..no mashed potatoes..just scalloped..which is good..but I longed for those mashed potatoes for sure. Isn't it funny how we all have our own way of doing things and have our own foods that we can count on having? I hate when it gets mixed up. I was thinking about how excited I am to start my own traditions when I get married and have a family. There will be mashed potatoes for sure.

So..I'm in my first long term relationship right now..its been over 2 years..and I love him..I do..and I know that I'm going to marry him..not now..but in time. However..there is one thing that irks me..and I know I'm not the only one..but why is it that guys don't ever make any effort once you get to a certain point? I mean..my boyfriend still does nice things for me..but when we started dating there were always those cute little surprises waiting for me and all the thoughtful gestures. Now..it's like it doesn't matter. He doesn't have to impress me..and I know that I am lucky because he really is super sweet and does do nice things for me..but I don't know..why does the really romantic and super impressing side of guys leave after a few years..I still like Prince Charming..so where the heck did he go??

let's talk about spaceships or anything..except you and me..

ok?

I've realized that I'm not creative at coming up with titles for posts whenever i've had a blog and I always end up putting a line of a song that it's in my head.

Work has been work. I'm trying not to complain about it so much because at least I have a job..right? I have to keep telling myself that a million times a day.

Yesterday I realized that my life is much like my beloved legging table at work. Let me just tell you about this table..the leggings table is the one table you do not ever want to have to fold at work because by the end of the day..there are no piles..none at all. So..yesterday..the one manager that doesn't like me..for reasons unknown..decides I should be banished to legging hell. yes..that's right..go fold the table..but not just fold the table but restock it with new sizes and try and condense piles and stuff. So I start this at like 9:45 am..I work my ass off until my lunch break at 12:15..I'm about halfway done the job at this point. This table looks amazing..this manager even compliments it..I even went through and sized them and put them in piles accordingly..which NEVER happens at the store. I had all these nice neat piles.. xs, small, small, medium, medium, large... so perfect. so wonderful. I go to lunch..and when I return 30 minutes later..there were literally no piles left..and I am not exaggerating. First..there are all in sizes..why would you need to touch anymore than the top one???? Secondly..this is my life. I try and plan things out and have in my mind a certain way that I want things to be..and in a matter of minutes people/things can destroy it ..and I'm back at square one. This may be a bit cryptic..but really..this is my life..shambles. just when I'm happy..something comes and takes it away..just when i think i know what i want to do with my life..that notion is snapped in half for some reason.

i hope i don't get the leggings table today.

you idiot!

I feel the phrase "you idiot" crosses my mind probably more often in one day at work than it has ever in my entire life. I think second on the list would be "you spoiled little bitch".. have I ever told you how much I hate working at Forever 21? I loathe it. I have never had to put up with such stupid, rude, and inconsiderate people in my life..the teenage girls and mothers alike. WOW! I could have punted about 5 different people across the room today. This one young mom (kind of white trash..ok very white trash) was SO rude to me for no reason today. (This was after already having an awful & busy hour in the fitting room under my belt.) I just wanted to throw the clothes I had in my hand (left in a heaping pile from some 16 year old bitch who clearly was incapable of putting things back on the hanger that they magically came off of)..anyways..I just wanted to throw them into this woman's face and say "I don't NEED this..I have 2 damn bachelor's degrees from 4 effing years in college & I don't need to put up with your stupid ass or any of these people for that matter all because the damn economy has to be collapsing and the only other people that want to hire a smart, educated, motivated person like me are McDonald's and the gas station around the corner". I would then storm out of that hellhole and victory would be mine.

anyways. other than work..I've been doing decent. I've been working on myself..quite the ongoing process. I recently started the 101 things in 1001 days challenge..just as a way to work on things I want to work on and do things that I want to do. I'm the sort of person that needs to write things down before I am motivated to do them. I think I honestly like the feeling of crossing something off. I feel accomplished. Much more accomplished than the stupid diplomas hanging in my room make me feel right now as I have nothing to show for them considering the fact I'm working a job i could have had in high school. How sad that a big accomplishment to me these days is remembering to take movies back to Blockbuster. woo! Go me! lol.

I promise I'm not normally this bitter or sarcastic.

one day i slowly floated away..

I've never been a blogger before..so here goes nothing. I've always had my reservations about it..but I think it's because I had people in my life that I didn't trust so I didn't want to put all my feelings out there.

So what has been going on in my life?

Alot..and then again..not alot. All at the same time.

Things have been going really great between my boyfriend and I. We have been having such good times lately..being spontaneous..having fun dates..good talks..and just growing closer together through everything going on with his dad since clearly I understand what it's like. I know that this is the man I will marry. I look forward to that day but for now I think we are just enjoying life how it is. There is no need to rush it. I always said that I wanted to marry a man that was like my stepdad in the sense of how he took care of my mom so amazingly and loved her throughout her whole battle with brain cancer. On our vacation I knew that my boyfriend was this type of man..from how he took care of his father the whole time and also how when i got sick with strep(..yes strep while i was in Punta Cana!) he took care of me...and not out of obligation but out of love. anyways..for once in my life I have nothing to complain about "boy-wise" and i couldn't be any happier :)

I hate my job. I am a retail slave to Forever 21 where I work hard, get paid too little, have to deal with rude customers, and sit there and wonder why in the world I went to college if this is what I'm going to have to do! I'm sure I'll rant and rave all about my job at some other juncture but for right now I'll just leave it at this.

I'm feeling the waves of discontentment again. I think that is one word that could accurately describe me at most points in my life. I am always discontent. I need adventure. i need something new. I am bored. And worse than all that..I am lonely. I'm living at home now..away from the dorm/apartment life where I always was with people. All my friends have gone there separate ways..getting married..having babies..taking amazing jobs somewhere else..and i'm stuck here. i have nobody to talk to..obviously I have my boyfriend and he is great..but sometimes you need someone you can talk to when things get rough with the boyfriend..or sometimes just a girls perspective on things. I have my best friend..but her life is super busy with her new job and the wedding coming up so soon. the other night i just cried and cried and cried and longed for someone to listen. I keep everything in and then it all comes out..like thundering waters..and I find myself sick of writing about what is going on..why tell myself what I already know? But it's the cycle that has always been...I start out trying to fold and tuck all the pain and feelings away neatly within me and it works for a short time but then I start becoming frantic when I realize there is no more room and it's like a start trying to shove and jam all those things deep down inside me...until then..it's too late..it's like an overstuffed suitcase or laundry basket. when there is no room, there is just NO room.. and the contents come spilling out..and then i get right back up and do it all over again.


wow..i just realized how much i rambled..

see..THAT folks is the effect of having nobody to talk to.. lol


goodnight all. i should get to bed at a decent time so i can be all ready to fold clothes and pick up after snotty little brats and their mothers.

yay

I finally decided to start a blog..I had one that i used just to put my writing on..but I haven't been on that in a while so I decided to start fresh with a more personal blog!